DRACONIS BLACKTHORNE (dblackthorne) wrote,

"The 21 Rules Of Hallowe'en"

Loki's Laughter

The 21 Rules Of Hallowe'en
{With humorous commentary}

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

Chances are that it is not, and will gain revenge and have you for dinner.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

If you do not know what you are doing, and are just anxious to impress your friends, don't bother. You will either look foolish, or wake up in Hell.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

Take a flashlight if you choose to check the main power switch.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

If your child speaks in a language you were not previously aware that they were versed in, you should be proud - it seems they have a natural alacrity for verbal skills, and it should be propagated. Enroll them in "MGM" {"Mentally Gifted Minors"}.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go exploring without the rest of the group.

The herd are much easier to thin out when in groups.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Hypothetically, if you have not done the proper studying, you deserve exactly what you get. Foolhearty members of the herd and occultniks may be driven 'insane' because they have not divorced themselves from hypocritial self-deceit, and therefore, conjure their own mental demons {psychological forces} which consume them.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

Not to mention that this is just rude. Not that they care, but showing disrespect for someone else's property is the mark of a lowlife.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

Actually, animals are a great deciphering tool for danger, which compliment one's own senses.

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

Call an electrician, it could be surges.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

That would connote actually digging up a grave, and by that point, it would be musty; if jewelry, it is not a good idea anyway, considering graverobbing is illegal.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

So-called "ghost towns" are fun - I stopped by a few during travel, although it is probably a good idea to peruse in daylight, considering they are not typically equipped with electricity.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

Agreed. Allow scientists to do their evolutionary work without antiquated moralistic obstacles.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at east twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

Dream translation indicates this signifies an issue larger than what can be handled. Time to gather one's resources to gain control.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit un-characteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

Better yet, join them in the hunt! A spontaneous exhibition of lycanthropy may mean that they have not yet gained control of their ability, and should be instructed on proper transfromation etiquette.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

Some of the most charming and interesting spots on the planet. Remember to take your camera.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

Better yet, extract the spare gas can from the trunk and fill the tank enough to get along to the next rest stop or arrive home. Which is more considerate than bothering someone in the middle of the night when most are asleep.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

Many interesting projects can be created with these tools, most of which I happen to possess.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

If the house is situated on a graveyard, so much the better, as you have a more interesting story to tell. It would make for a fascinating assignment for oneself to find out who resides therein, and place respectful markers in the backyard. Also, houses in which previous occupants may have comitted suicide, or some murder may have occurred will actually lower the price on the property, and one is within one's rights to inquire with the real-estate agent. The extra funds could go into furnishings. As to the comment about satanic practices, I suppose I would be the culprit there. It has been remarked that I scare the ghosts!

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise down-stairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

It is preferrable that attractive women wear flimsy negliges often.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

Save it for The Ritual Chamber. Flaring occurs with the immolation of the parchment.

21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland country-side.

A so-called "witch hunt" when initiated by a Warlock carries a competely different connotation, and hopefully, a very pleasing outcome.

The above "rules" were obviously written from a humorous Horror movie perspective, although hypothetically, even if the above scenarious would ever possibly transpire, if the sheeplings do not have the sense know better, then they should get exactly what they deserve.

Tags: halloween

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