Self-styled "vampyre" Jonathon Sharkey is running for governor on a platform that includes impaling terrorists.
Looking for something really, really different in a political candidate this year?
Take a gander at Jonathon (The Impaler) Sharkey, who will launch his gubernatorial campaign in Princeton, Minn., on Friday the 13th as a "satanic dark priest" and the leader of the "Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party."
Since there's nothing but a $300 filing fee to stop anyone from running for statewide office, campaigns in Minnesota typically attract colorful and eccentric characters looking for attention. And of course, former Gov. Jesse Ventura broke the mold and got elected. But Minnesota may never have seen a more outside-the-box politician than the Impaler, also a former pro wrestler.
For starters, he describes himself as a "sanguinary vampyre ... just like you see in the movies and TV, I sink my fangs into the neck of my donor (at this time in my life, it is my wife, Julie), and drink their blood," he said in an e-mail.
The 13-point platform on his extensive website (www.jonathonforgovernor.us) offers a number of conventional policy initiatives, including emphasis on education, tax breaks for farmers and better benefits for veterans.
Quite some distance from the mainstream, however, is his pledge to execute -- by impalement in front of the State Capitol -- terrorists, rapists, drug dealers, child abusers, repeat drunken drivers and anybody who preys on the elderly.
"I'm going to be totally open and honest," he said. "Unlike other candidates, I'm not going to hide my evil side."
Sharkey's religious convictions also might be described as well removed from the middle of the road. Call it compassionate Satanism. "On a whole, those who worship Lucifer are no more evil than those who worship other gods," he says on his website.
Although he calls the "Christian God the Father" his "mortal enemy," Sharkey said he has nothing against Jesus Christ or his followers. But he thinks God the Father was a poor parent for allowing his son to be crucified.
Sharkey, 41, is receiving veterans' disability benefits because of a severe injury in the Army in 1982. On a high-altitude jump while training as a paratrooper, he says, his main parachute failed and the reserve chute opened just before he hit the ground "like a ton of bricks."
He has registered as a 2008 presidential candidate with the Federal Election Commission and says he soon will register with state campaign officials as a gubernatorial candidate.
Definitely not one of ours. To those elite who know, it is obvious.