January 27th, 2006


The Word of God as told by Pat Robertson

Submitted by a reader:

The Word of God as told by Pat Robertson
~ from T-Shirt Hell Newsletter

Pat Robertson recently made headlines when he stated that God caused Ariel Sharon's stroke, because Sharon was trying to divide the Holy Land. This ishardly the first time Robertson's comments have created such a stir. He also claimed that God sent Hurricane Katrina because New Orleans is filled with hedonists and homosexuals. While those statements got the most media attention, we managed to dig up the following additional, actual quotes from Pat Robertson. Enjoy.

Magic Johnson acquired AIDS because God had $50 on the Lakers when the Chicago Bulls defeated them in the 1991 NBA Finals.

God shot Kurt Cobain in the head because 'In Utero' was a disappointing follow-up to, 'Nevermind'.

God commanded my [Pat Robertson's] hairdresser to suck me [Pat Robertson] off in my [Pat Robertson's] dressing room. When she didn't, God blackened both of her eyes.

Osama Bin Laden is still alive and well because God always felt the T Towers were, "too towery".

God allowed the Roman soldiers to torture Jesus, because he was disappointed that Jesus gave up on the carpentry thing. Especially, after Jesus had promised to make God a napkin holder.

Satan was cast out of Heaven because he kept saying, "Ex-squeeze me?" and "Smell you later!"

God is black. He afflicted Africa with AIDS because he didn't want it to seem like he was playing favorites.

God doesn't mind you taking his name in vain. He does, however, get pissed when people talk bad about the guy that played Mr. Belvedere.

God thinks Nickelback is crap, and not just because they're all queer.

And while being a homosexual is a sin, God forgives them purely on the virtue of also being simply FABULOUS!

As a point of contrast, I think this is a good point for me to throw in a personal conversation I had with God.

Yesterday, I got a flat tire and I was like, 'Why me Lord?' And God said, 'Bitch, thou ate all the cereal this morning.' And I was like, 'Damn it, God, I told you I'd buy more after work!' And

He was like, 'Fuck you, cunt. Did thou not see the burning bush that sprang forth from the front of the box of Special K? Why didn't thou just eat the frozen waffles that you've had sitting there for 2 MONTHS?'

So, I just left. You can't talk to Him when He gets like that.

Well, that was just a small sample of the wisdom that pours forth from Pat Robertson each and every day. Hope you enjoyed it. And remember to keep watching the 700 Club. Robertson promises to reveal startling new video evidence that Jesus came over his house, and his neighbor's son accidentally struck Him in the crotch with a wiffle ball bat. Or that might have been Bob Saget. It was either Jesus or Bob Saget.


Black Metal culture banned

Black Metal culture banned

PUTRAJAYA: Black Metal culture has been declared as a deviation from Islamic teachings and those found practising it could be penalised under syariah law. 

The National Fatwa Council ruled that Black Metal culture was totally against the syariat (Islamic principles) and could lead its followers to being murtad (apostate). 

The council issued the decree after deliberating on the matter at its bi-monthly meeting yesterday. 

“We discussed the issue at length to understand what Black Metal is all about and its effect on our culture,” council chairman Prof Datuk Shukor Husin told newsmen after the meeting. 

“It has been established that Black Metal practices are way against the syariat and every effort must be taken to stop its spread.” 

Prof Shukor said the Islamic Development Department (Jakim) was working with state religious departments to amend the syariah laws to give power to the departments to act against those engaging in Black Metal culture. 

“It may take some time for the law to be enforced. In the meantime, we hope other relevant authorities would play their role in putting a stop to this culture,” he said. 

Prof Shukor said although Black Metal was just a form of music, its culture often led its followers to worship Satan, to rebel, kill and incite hatred and irreligion. 

Black Metal culture, he said, also influenced its followers to perform controversial rituals such as drinking one's blood mixed with goat blood and burning the Quran. 

“When a Muslim burns the Quran, his action could be considered as murtad. It is our responsibility to ensure this does not happen,'' he said. 

* Related Story: Black Metal not linked to satanism, say its fans.

Except in very few select cases, the title of that story is absolutely true, but not for the reasons commonly proposed. Most of the time Satanic iconography is exploited for notoriety by executives and enterprising bands, realizing the shock value, but are actually not that "bad", as it were, and are in fact, by the definition of a term long-acquainted in that genre, "posers".

"...Buddhist, Muslim, Christian, Jew, we don't need them any more!"