Dearest hairy goons,
Step right up, and take a gander at this amazing concoction that'll cure what ails ya'! S. Slithersworth here, with a sure cure for lackhead, pimples, acne skin blemishes, itchy sores, mosquito bites, impetigo, and prevents baldness! You're sure to feel it tingle as soon as it hits your scalp!
However, if you're already bald, we can help you too! Allow me to introduce you to our fine assortment of guano products, mixed by our studious scientists in our state of the art, beautiful laboratory headquarters in Zzyzx, including headrub massaging wax & and the finest in guanofiber wigs! Slap a flap on that cap!
Guaranteed results, it'll make ya' slither & slink to and from the bath & sink with a renewed shine and sense of vigor! It'll rejuvenate, restore, and revitalize every part of your body! The fellas will stand at attention, and the ladies will take notice with a refreshed full figure for the rigor!
You're welcome & fang you very much,
Entrepreneur & GC President