By Lester Haines
Published Friday 22nd April 2005 16:18 GMT
Back in February we reported that Kim Jong-Hwan of the ITRC-Intelligent Robot Research Centre - controlled by explosive cranial implant from the Lizard Army's advance Earth base at French car manufacturer Renault - had developed software which would allow robots to acquire reasoning and emotions, plus a healthy machine sex drive.
Of course, we quite rightly then predicted that the resultant cyberCasanovas would force themselves on our wives and daughters, impregnating screaming human females with their vile seed so much the better to create a hideous hybrid race of servile, mop-bearing drones.
After all, someone has to clear up after man-eating cyberloos have purged the streets of Aberdeen of the last urinating Scotsman who might put up a spirited, albeit somewhat drunken and ultimately futile, fight against the Rise of the Machines™
However, we had not considered the chilling possibility that the reptilian forces of darkness might also develop a predatory robominx designed to extract sperm from vulnerable men as part of the same terrifying breeding programme.
Beware, then, the "Andy" sex android, described by Lizard Alliance collaborator Michael Harriman as "almost impossible to distinguish from the real thing".
German aircraft mechanic Harriman has equipped his silicon-skinned robostrumpet with internal heaters, a heart which responds to torrid rumpy-pumpy with suitably agitated beating and a remote-controlled hip-wiggling facility. The basic model goes out for £4,000, although extra-large breasts cost extra - as is generally the case with the "real thing".
The Andy plan is as brilliant as it is simple. The only people* who would ever consider sex with a doll carry exactly the sort of inferior genetic material suitable for the propagation of a slave army of low-grade menials. What's more, they have to pay for the privilege of mating with the machine, before it makes of with their credit cards, blows the lot on shoes and then finds its way to the nearest Renault service centre where it will be well cared for by fleets of satanic Vel Satis in anticipation of the happy event.
But what, you ask, will this devilish offspring look like? What are the likely results of fusing human DNA with cyberova inside the metallic womb? Our neoLuddite Resistance Army research facility, located at an undisclosed (even to those who work there) location in the Montana wilderness, has been able - after months of painstaking and dangerous analysis during which at least one comrade was knocked down a flight of concrete stairs as he attempted to examine the bagless vortex system of a captured cyberDyson - to extrapolate the likely development cycle of the Andy offspring:
Pre-natal to infancy:
Our field research discovered that all sex androids have exceptionally tight vaginas - all the better to accommodate the 90 per cent of sex android users who are, of course, less talented than average in the trouser department. However, this does have its practical disadvantages: imagine trying to force a basketball through the centre of a one-inch washer and you'll understand what we're talking about.
It's unlikely, then, that Andy will be able to give birth to a perfectly-formed rat-brain-controlled stealth attack aircraft or fire-breathing bus.
Far more probable is that the mewling infant will be entirely comprised of metallic glass - a Lizard Army "liquid metal" patent comprising: a glassy mixture of platinum, copper, nickel and phosphorus; or carbon, iron and a little manganese; or zirconium, titanium, copper and nickel, and small atoms of beryllium - depending on mum's dietary habits during pregnancy.
New Scientist explains:
It is the unusual structure that makes metallic glass so promising. In crystalline metal alloys, the atoms are ordered within regions called "grains", and the boundaries between the grains are points of weakness in the material. Metallic glasses, however, have no grain boundaries, so they are much stronger. Hit a crystalline metal with a hammer and it will bend, absorbing some of the energy of the blow by giving way along grain boundaries. But the atoms in an amorphous metal are tightly packed, and easily bounce back to their original shape after a blow. These materials lack bulky crystalline grains, so they can be shaped into features just 10 nanometres across. And their liquid-like structure means they melt at lower temperatures, and can be moulded nearly as easily as plastics.
So, it's pretty obvious that the best way to drop a robosprog is to gently heat the metallic glass foetus until it flows effortlessly from the womb and then instantly hardens into a virtually indestructible rug-rat capable of withstanding the full force of a hammer blow from a terrified Renault service technician who has just discovered its nest among the piles of discarded malfunctioning cruise control mechanisms at the back of the workshop.
Like human children, robotic infants are not born with the instinct and ability to kill. It's essential, therefore, that they be given the best possible educational grounding in the techniques of wanton destruction and subjugation of carbon-based lifeforms. And who better to act as tutor and mentor than Asimo, Honda's roving "ambassador" which, we have just learned, has infiltrated Japanese classrooms - ostensibly as part of the national science curriculum.
Indeed, the Japanese are very pleased with Asimo and will ultimately pay the price. The cybernetic equivalent of roving rock pundit Bono recently shook hands with the Belgian prime minister, although the next time Guy Verhofstadt extends his paw to Asimo he'll get his armed ripped off at the shoulder as a prelude to a full-scale invasion of the Low Countries by flamethrower-bearing Mecha led by phalanxes of trumpet-playing acoustic attack droids.
That's their problem - we warned 'em and they didn't listen. Some good may come of it, though. The thought of EU Trade Commissioner Peter Mandelson meeting a grisly end in the Brussels public toilet where he hoped to seek refuge from the inexorable advance of pitiless technology is not unpleasing.
But we digress. Duly armed with all the acquired wisdom and knowledge of Asimo, what is the next step for the Son of Andy on the path to full adulthood?
It's perfectly normal for teenagers to seek a role model; someone they would like to emulate and, perhaps, ultimately become. This is easily attainable for an entity constructed entirely of metallic glass, since it can quickly morph into whatever assemblage of parts it fancies. And if you have this capability, then why not reassemble yourself into the truly magnificent Landwalker?
Technical details on this beast are in short supply, but it appears to be armed with a liquid-cooled, rotating barrel weapon undoubtedly capable of firing 3,000 depleted-uranium-tipped rounds a minute while its enraged gun platform shouts: "You have 30 seconds to comply..."
The picture also shows some kind of cockpit. We think this is where the monkey-brain-guided, electroactive-polymer-powered roboarms are housed, thereby providing the hands-on interface between the Lizard Army mothership and troops on the ground.
The one possible disadvantage of transforming yourself into a bipedal killing machine when you're at a "difficult age" is that if mum says you can't go out to play with the kamikaze fridge until you've done your chores then you're likely to throw a strop which will result in the entire neighbourhood being reduced to smouldering, post-apocalyptic-style rubble.
When the moment finally arrives for you to venture out into the world and fulfil your destiny - that of subjugating humanity to your dark masters' will - there will naturally come the desire to exceed your parents' achievements and their ambitions for you. But how?
For one, the only awareness you have of your father is an inherited desire to watch every Star Wars film back-to-back while eating pizza. As for your mum, she was built in a factory in Germany, so... Yes, that's it: your mother had just two legs. More legs is the way forward - four more legs to be exact, and then, and only then, will you become the ultimate expression of multi-legged machine perfection: the Plustech logging machine of death.
That's right: our neoLuddite Resistance Army team predicts that any human/sex android hybrid will ultimately evolve into an enormous, six-legged Armageddon device. Read the blurb with fear in your hearts:
The walking forest machine is Plustech's best-known innovation. The goal of product development was to create a machine that has the best possible working stability and minimum impact on the terrain
The walking machine adapts automatically to the forest floor. Moving on six articulated legs, the harvester advances forward and backward, sideways and diagonally. It can also turn in place and step over obstacles. Depending on the irregularity of the terrain, the operator can adjust both the ground clearance of the machine and height of each step.
The machine's nerve center is an intelligent computer system that controls all walking functions - including the direction of movement, the travelling speed, the step height and gait, and the ground clearance.
That's the end of it, make no mistake. Whereas we had developed a cunning plan to escape mephistopholean automobiles by simply going off-road, the Plustech can pursue people wherever they try to run. Not even deep forest will offer a refuge for the last sobbing remnants of humanity, as the Plustech mercilessly runs them to ground pausing only to uproot entire trees for later manufacture into functional, mass-produced Scandinavian furniture.
And in case you're wondering why an advanced extraterrestrial intelligence would have any use for IKEA-style budget futon sofabeds, well, being an advanced extraterrestrial intelligence the Lizard Army knows full well that while the stuff looks stylish and practical enough in the catalogue, you may as well try and get a good night's sleep on three sacks of mixed gravel.
So, have a guess where you'll be getting your head down after a twenty-two-hour stint in a German factory assembling android sex dolls while sadistic Asimo overseers beat you with laser truncheons... That's right. The Rise of the Machines™ is upon us. ®
*People, yes. But there is one other entity which might fancy a quick ride: the Qatar camel-racing robojockey. According to Reuters, the Gulf Arab state is to replace child camel riders with robots following UN criticism of the system under which kiddies are mercilessly exploited in the lucrative camel-racing world.
The robotic jockey is reportedly produced by "an unnamed Swiss company", and Qatar is considering building an entire factory dedicated to its production. United Arab Emirates, too, is mulling the introduction of robojockeys although we can't help but feel that it'll be a case of "they're under starters orders..." followed by "and they're off... to capture Arabia's vast oil reserves so that they might serve the Rise of the Machines™". We'll be keeping an eye on this one.