2009 Milestones and hurdles....looking back over this last year and it has been hard work yet fun and rewarding. I hope everyone had good times to help ease them through the bad, I know I needed it. Best wishes to all of you!

Graduated College
Finished my Associates in Business Management and was not only on Honors once but made the Deans list twice. Since then I have reenrolled for Criminal Justice and will have a degree in eight months. Both will serve me well as a publisher/writer for some books planned for the coming years on serial killers.



PENTHOUSE
Sympathy for the Devil - Inside the Church of Satan
Article by Magister Bob Johnson - In the 2009 October Issue of Penthouse.
The article also featured many Hierarchy Members views on sex and how they use sex in their day to day lives, including author Warlock Corvis Nocturnum!



RUE MORGUE and our Devil cane!
The Devil Cane is featured in the Needful Things section of the current issue of Rue Morgue Magazine. It is a great honor to have our work included in such a great magazine.

Thanks from myself, designer and Warlock Leach, sculptor.


VAMPIRE WEAR AND VAMPIRE WINE
With ALLURE OF THE VAMPIRE

I received notice of the new item listings - happy to say now both Vampire Wear and Vampire Wine are carrying Allure of the Vampire; Our Sexual Attraction to the Undead.

http://www.vampirewear.com/category/new.htm

http://www.wickedwinesonline.com/home.php?cat=265


MY ART ON A CD
URN Scribings of a Forgotten Soul
© Copyright-Lost Antiquities Music (705105470634)
Record Label: Rotting Corpse Records
Pleased to say my art appears on the CD jacket, interior and disk of this amazing band hailing from Chicago, Ill.
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/urnus1


MY OWN RADIO SHOW

Embrace the Dark
With your host Corvis Nocturnum
Join the author of Embracing the Darkness; Understanding Dark Subcultures, and most recently, Allure Of The Vampire; Our Sexual Attraction To The Undead, as he explores the shadow side of life. Peer into the depths of the paranormal, occult history, folklore and real living vampires, and gain an understanding of alternative lifestyles and religions such as witchcraft, Wicca, Satanism and many others.

The first show is scheduled for Wednesday, January the 6th, 2010 from 9:00 to 10:00 EST. on ASPRN.com, in studio B. We’ll talk to Paranormal States psychic Michelle Belanger, author of The Psychic Vampire Codex and a dozen other titles and Belfazaar Ashantison Founder of House Nova, as they explain the truth about modern living vampires and dispelling stereotypes.

ON TODAY'S SHOW:
The Best Releases of 2009

AURAL APOCALYPSE
Wednesdays 19:00 PST
Real Industrial Radio
http://www.realindustrialradio.com

http://www.myspace.com/auralapocalypse

PODCASTS
~~~~~~~~~
http://auralapocalypse.podomatic.com/


( Last Week's Show )

Despite tons of bitching and complaining from DH about the drive, having to leave the outside dogs [we took Thor, my "house dog", and the cat with us], the weather, and everything else under the sun, I got to spend some time with my family for Christmas.

Of course, we had to go see his parents before we left, and his dad insisted on going to "get something to eat", which meant takeout from a shitty seafood place so Billy could drive his drunk ass to the store for more liquor, and his mom kept whining about us "just running off". Yeah, we didn't get on the road until about 11pm, which meant we drove all night and got to my parents' some time after 6 in the morning.

The cat destroyed her carrier [ripped the mesh screen out] because she decided she's rather roam the back of the Jeep and lay on my pillow, or sit on the console and try to jump in our laps, but other than that the drive was decent and it was so late traffic was minimal.

Christmas went pretty good. My aunt was down, and it was cool to see her, although my dad was going way out of his way to be a major asshole and attempt to offend her. She's really liberal and my dad's conservative & racist in that reactionary way that makes it pretty obvious he's just trying to piss other people off. He looked pale and I could tell at times he wasn't feeling good, but he seemed alright otherwise and says he's handling the chemo well. My mom is a wreck, because she's all stressed out over my dad and other situations with work and family. She had to work the day after Christmas because one of her employees called out, but it happens every year.

We had Christmas dinner at my sisters, which worked good because she has a bigger house and it saved my mom from having to clean up. My mom got her a Wii Fit, so we all ended up playing that, which was really funny with me up there pregnant and on a hurt knee trying to balance - I think they were waiting to see who'd fall first and end up taking out the tree. I sort of wish I lived closer, because I think I'd get along with my sister now that we're both older. I also got to see my grandparents - they're both having some health problems, but was nice getting to visit for a while.

We left early Sunday morning to go back, because Billy was bitching and we had to get the dogs and take them back home. The cat wouldn't stay still and kept trying to get under my feet while I was driving, so I stopped about 30 minutes into the trip and put her in the carrier with the dog. She hissed at him a few times, but they ended up riding better together than they did separately. Billy was rushing me all morning, so I didn't have a chance to eat anything and ended up with my sugar dropping and shaking/puking about Durham. Really not cool, but finally got it under control. I still felt like crap the rest of the day though. We got home around 8, and I crashed out and went to bed before 9, as soon as we had the car unloaded and stuff put up.

All in all, it was a pretty good visit, and it saved me from another holiday with the in-laws.

I've been putting off posting cause I've been in sort of a weird place again.

I quit my job on the 14th. It was sort of forced, so I'm pissed about that part, but I feel like I'm better off because I'm away from all the stress and bullshit. The doctor put me on restrictions of no heavy lifting or physical contact with inmates or in emergency situations, and they refused to accommodate that. I was out of leave, so they said I could apply for short term disability at 50% of my pay, but would go at least 60-90 days while they decided with no pay, and having to pay about $400 a month for insurance in the meantime. Even if I got it, they'd only hold my position until about 2 1/2 weeks past my due date, and my doctor wouldn't let me return to work that early, so it was a choice of lose my job in April or quit now and have insurance I can almost afford [$120/month through my husband's group plan, instead of $400 through mine]. Of course, my mom got pissed and everyone had to yell at me and tell me I was stupid, but I'd rather scrape by for a few months now and have my retirement money in the bank when the baby is born than try to live with no money right after his birth, and possibly run out of insurance before he is born. I did apply for unemployment because of the circumstances, but I probably won't get it because I technically left voluntary [even though my choice to stay was with no pay or benefits, and only for a few more months].

Even with the money worries from that, I still feel better mentally. I was doing really bad with depression and anxiety, and I think the Zoloft may have been making it worse instead of better. I was staying very agitated and getting dizzy a lot, so I quit taking it, and that eased up. Funny thing is a lot of the anxiety is gone too, and I'm not as depressed - I think the whole work situation and way everything was dragging out with no way to plan for anything was the main thing causing all of it. I'm wondering how much the whole passing out thing may have been related too, since the neurologist did say it seemed like it might be caused by panic attacks or blood pressure rising.

I'm looking for work, and applied at a few places that may work out, but I know being visibly pregnant is going to hurt me at interviews. It's just temporary, but I aced the test for the census, so maybe I'll hear back from them as either a survey taker or supervisor. I also put in at the local Police/Fire Department, which would be ok, and it something I'm interested in and qualified for, but I don't think interviews are until January. I just wonder what sort of reference I'm getting from the prison. All of my performance reviews were good, but I missed a lot of work this year because of medical crap, and my boss was kind of a jerk, so I worry that may be getting spun to make me look bad.



Oh, my accident prone ass ended up in the hospital yet again on Thursday. We're finally getting our roof fixed, and the roofers were working to get it replaced before the snow & ice hit, so I had to take care of the dog to keep him from eating anybody. This means that I had to walk him on a leash, instead of just letting him run out in the yard to go pee and come back in. I slipped on a bunch of loose gravel in the road and came down with all my weight on my left knee. I didn't realize it was more than a scrape, so I just nonchalantly went in the house and didn't tell anyone I'd fell. About 45 minutes later, I noticed my pants leg was soaked with blood, then looked and saw that the skin was split and you could see my kneecap and one of the ligaments off to the side of it. I knew I'd need stitches, and called around to find out that I'd have to go to the emergency room for them, then called my husband and told him it was nothing serious but I'd need to go to the ER when he got home. Of course he freaked out and rushed anyway, and we ended up sitting there for several hours because I made the mistake of telling them I wasn't in much pain, the baby was moving, and I wasn't cramping or anything. They gave me 12 stitches and sent me home. We ended up back there at 4am, when I woke up unable to move it, and got an x-ray [I declined the first one because I was able to walk and didn't think it was necessary]. It wasn't broken, but they did put an immobilizer on it and gave me crutches, which I'm still gimping around on, to help keep my weight off it and help my balance because it had bruised and swollen a lot.

Retroprogressive revivifications.

So I guess I had a pretty massive freakout over the past couple of days. It's chronicled on Twitter, more or less. To me it seemed to start with a horrible dream I had Monday morning. In this nightmare I was making a real effort to reconnect with my characters, but I'd gotten the wrong ones, which were more or less the Cure. (Anybody with half an eye can see the Cure's influence on Lost Souls, or so I assume.) They had all gone down to Shell Beach and commandeered barges, a tugboat, and some kind of tanker, with which they were planning a terrorist attack. Samuel L. Jackson was tearing down the Reggio highway in a furious attempt to stop them, but everybody knew it was my fault and hated me, including Chris, who promptly dumped my ass.

Some of my worst dreams are those in which I'm back with one of my exes. I remember Chris and feel the lack of him, but know I have to be with this once-beloved foe instead. It is the hollowest, loneliest feeling I've known in dream. Usually I wake up, become aware of him sleeping beside me, and feel tremendous relief. This time I woke up within the dream and knew I'd really done it, I'd finally fucked up bad enough to lose him (by putting the Cure on terrorist barges in Shell Beach, yes, I see the absurdity of this, but it didn't help at the time). I saw life without him, an endless featureless plain the color of a bruise. I cried and woke myself and him up saying "Chris. Chris. Chris" and babbling about wrong characters on barges, trying to explain this utter incoherence.

The ensuing day did not pass well. Even tranked to the gills, I couldn't seem to stop sobbing and panicking and doomsaying. I could not bathe. I could not even consider leaving the house (this has been a problem lately). I finally called my intermittent shrink and sobbed and babbled some more until she agreed to give me a few, VERY few, barbiturates to help me function over these next few days. I don't stress much about the holidays (we stopped doing gifts years ago, stocked up on stuff and unable to afford it), but my mom and a dear friend are coming to visit, and I would like to be able to act like something resembling a human being around them. Those who were reading back in the dark days of 2005 will remember my adventures with Dr. Jesus and the Great BUTALBITAL. Butalbital has come into my life again, with its idolatrous-sounding name and its extremely short-term help. Short-term because it's addictive as shit and not even slightly appropriate for treating long-term depression, but thank God she heard enough of the fraying in my voice to throw me a quick merciful lifeline (a scant 10 pills to be parceled out carefully over at least 4 days, worryworts) until I can go see her and figure out why my usual shit's not working anymore. Pharmaceuticals, you've nearly killed me and you've saved my life, both many times. Just like a goddamn lover, ain'tcha? ("Almost had your hooks in me, din'tcha, dear?")

So today my Butalbital and I did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the house, and baked a lovely chocolate chip-pecan pie. Tomorrow we'll greet our guests and try to absorb their love through the merciful haze that says so kindly, "No, that bruise color isn't filling your vision, you don't reek of rotting meat, these people love you, they're not counting the hours until they can get away or silently analyzing the stupidity of everything you say."

So that's the story of my big freakout. As ever, I tell it because of my determination to chronicle the life of one writer's journey through loss, depression, addiction, sorrow, joy, and sometimes redemption in the wake of the post-Katrina federal levee failure. I've written no fiction in three years now, so this is really all I have to offer, and I give it to you without shame. There's no reason for shame. I wasn't like this before August 29, 2005. I'd dealt with depression off and on since I was 17, but at the time of the levee failure I was on no psychiatric drugs, writing prolifically, and (I thought) fairly happy. Now I struggle most days just not to be a mess, and there are a hell of a lot of people who are a hell of a lot worse off than I am ... and a hell of a lot more people who survived the levee failure and its aftermath, but not the lives they tried to piece back together afterward. They gave themselves to the Great Subaudible. I tell you these things in part to keep myself from doing the same.

ON TODAY'S SHOW:
A Dark, Psychedelic Folk Extravaganza
with Guest DJ PRESTON GELBERWOLF

AURAL APOCALYPSE
with DJ Merrick

Wednesdays 19:00 PST
Real Industrial Radio
http://www.realindustrialradio.com

http://www.myspace.com/auralapocalypse

PODCASTS
~~~~~~~~~
http://auralapocalypse.podomatic.com/


( Last Week's Show )

I've been so busy lately that I was a few days late on my latest update, sorry guys! To make up for it I made an extra naughty video :) Over 9 minutes long for my members. I hope you like it!